some form of the typical "Miss
Independent."
Some of us know her better than others; some of
us claim that title ourselves.
She's the self-sufficient, somewhat mysterious
go-getter with big dreams and an even bigger
heart, though not everyone sees it at first glance.
Some might see her as cold and distant, because
she needs a significant amount of alone time to
keep her from feeling scattered and spread so
thin that she disappears. Sure, she has family and
friends with whom she loves to spend much of
her time, but it's in her nature to crave those
precious hours of solitude-being only with her
thoughts, completely alone in a crowd or in the
vastness of a quiet scene.
Some call it antisocial; she calls it sanity.
For any or all of these reasons and then some,
she's never been the type to "fall in love." In fact,
if she has ever been in a relationship to any
degree, it was likely one of the most difficult and
confusing things she's ever experienced-and
she's not usually one to be deterred.
Perhaps she's too focused on her goals to realize
that love could be knocking on her door, or she's
so comfortable with being in control that the
thought of surrendering even a little bit to
someone else makes her uneasy. There's also a
chance that, despite her outward confidence and
undeniable potential for success, she's extremely
insecure.
Or, maybe she's simply afraid of opening herself
up enough to be loved.
Whatever the reason, it comes down to the fact
that this girl probably doesn't know how to
handle the love that a suitor might want to give
her. It doesn't mean she's a lost cause, it just
means that developing any kind of relationship
with her will require an approach that's more
sensitive to her guarded heart.
In an effort to offer some insight, here are a few
pointers for learning how to love a girl who
doesn't know how to be loved:
1. Be patient.
Don't expect her to feel comfortable with diving
headfirst into anything even slightly resembling
romance. Keep in mind, it's probably taken her a
great deal of contemplation and courage to even
consider spending her time with you. And if she
does appear comfortable responding to your first
moves, it's quite possible that she's actually
terrified of what you'll think of her if she asks to
slow things down. So, she just musters the
strength to submit herself to the moment, only to
spend all night feeling horrible about her
dishonesty and inability step on the brakes. This
will freak her out enough to make her sever
whatever ties were made and withdraw
immediately-something she's not afraid to do.
To avoid that, let things unfold at a pace that
feels natural, which might be slower than what's
considered "normal." Remember, she's not used
to this, and too much at once will surely send her
over the edge. Showing sensitivity to her pace
will let her know that she doesn't have to fear
being out of control, causing a miscommunication
or feeling the pressure of time.
2. Talk.
Because she spends so much of her time alone
and in her head, this girl might be under the
impression that her thoughts and opinions are a
bit too intense for others. She rarely shares the
things on her mind, as she fears that whatever's
in there is so deep and inquisitive that people will
think it's overdramatic, oddly philosophical or just
plain weird. She values deep conversation, but
feels that she can exercise this pleasure with
relatively few people, if any at all.
So talk with her. Let her know that she can say
what's on her mind, and don't be afraid of her
ability to dissect every possible meaning of a
theory she's been hung up on for weeks. If she
apologizes for rambling about it, tell her she
doesn't need to be sorry, she doesn't need to
suppress it. Make her feel that although she is
certainly unique for having such thoughts, she
isn't crazy or abnormal.
Tell her it makes her all the more beautiful.
And then, give it right back to her. Be sure to
engage in her contemplations just as much as
you listen; she wants to hear your thoughts more
than you realize.
3. Support her.
Part of this girl's struggle with letting herself be
loved could be that she is relentlessly focused on
her dreams and goals, so much so that she
forgets to make room in her life for other things-
like relationships. It's not something she does
intentionally, she's just extremely determined to
achieve whatever she has set out to do.
If she is forced to make a choice between a love
life and her goals, she's already chosen the latter.
So don't make her choose.
And certainly don't make her feel guilty for not
spending more of her time with you as a result-
she'll take that as another sign that she needs to
sever the ties, even if they're stronger at this
point.
Instead, support her. If you really love this girl
and she really loves you, then she'll welcome the
encouragement. She'll want to support you, too.
Let her; with a heart as passionate as hers, you'll
want her on your team.
4. Don't be two halves of a whole, be two wholes
that make an even greater whole.
Remember that this "Miss Independent" is just
that-an independent chick with an ability to fend
for herself. She might even be afraid of relying on
others, no matter how much she trusts them.
Therefore, don't think of a relationship with her as
one that joins two halves together to make a
whole; she won't treat it as such, and she
definitely won't feel comfortable if you do. Rather,
see it as two wholes becoming an even greater
whole-two individuals who love each other
enough to respect the other's independence and
uniqueness.
This includes honoring her need for alone time.
She realizes that you are a person with or without
her and asks that you see her in the same way.
Being able to spend time apart is important to
her; she doesn't want to rely on your presence,
nor does she want you to rely on hers.
Don't try to spend every hour of every day with
her unless you want her to feel so bombarded
that she tailspins into a mess of tears, word
vomit and utter confusion, ending with her
breaking it off and swearing to never interact with
another human ever again.
But when you are together, be together.
Completely. Let her know she is loved until she
begins to understand what that feels like, and
then keep doing it. If it's right, she'll come
around. And because she's loyal by nature, she'll
stick around, too (so don't give her any reason to
think that you won't).
Truly, this girl has a lot of love to give, even if
she's a bit awkward in showing it at first. She
just needs time-time to figure things out for
herself, to better understand how this works.
Let her figure out that deep down, she just wants
to love and be loved-just like everyone else.
If she happens to let you close enough to love
her, take it seriously. It means she's trying. It
means she wants to love you. And remember that
helping her learn how to be loved in return is the
surest way to win her heart.
Source: loveknowsnoage.blogspot.com