where to begin...ok- i am 35, and have been married for almost 16 yrs- been with WH (wandering husband i think this is- LOL) since I was 17. my entire adult life so far. i thought things were good- we have 4 kids. I have been a SAHM for 15 yrs...my husband has a great job in the computer field...anyway- our youngest child is about to turn 2. It was during my pregnancy with her that I noticed something was very very wrong.
WH started dressing in designer clothes (he had been a tshirt and jeans guy) and spending lots of on cologne. Wearing suits. Working late...You get the point. I thought he was cheating..but i was having a complicated pregnancy, and dealing with the other 3 kids- one who has autism. You get the point- i was super busy and tired, and i was saying to my friends - "it seems like he's cheating but he can't be. all he does is work- then he comes home."
it NEVER dawned on me he could be cheating at work! He was.
After the baby was born, I noticed he wanted NOTHING to do with her- wouldnt even hold her. He said she cried too much. This went on for months. He was always texting...said it was work...finally a few months after the baby was born, i asked for the phone bills. he had hidden them. and then i saw his temper, really for the first time. He avoided getting caught for several days...i found the phone records- my husband and a girl he supervises at work were texting each other until 130am most mornings. EVERY DAY. 2000 texts a month.
he appologized...admitted it was an emotional affair- said nothing physical happened. said it would never happen again...
fast forward about 18 months later. He has just gotten caught at work with this girl by another coworker who found them in the park together. This coworker caused a scene at the office when he started yelling and cursing out my husband- accusing him of favoritism and abusing his position- i dont know many more details because of course my husband is trying to keep it from me. i only discovered this because i found the human resources investigation papers. this guy who flipped out- was a very highly trained computer guy- and very mellow normally too- which makes the whole thing very odd- what the hll is going on at his job? i thought when the texting stopped so did the affair- not even close. apparently this girl he is cheating with is a VERY junior computer programmer- but my husband is going out of his way to "teach her everything she knows" (this is what he brags to me)- and he goes out of his way to say she's the only one who listens to him and doesnt screw up on his team. she is doing all the major projects for his team now- and she is not qualified. the guy who flipped was right- yet my husband convinced his boss that the guy who flipped was crazy...so i think his coworker got demoted and moved to another department. my husband is good at his job and his company needs him. he is getting away with everything. on the h.r. report it says that his boss cant get his time- and my husband is at work ALL DAY LONG. or so i thought- he should have WAY more than enough hours logged.
my husband and this girl dont care who they hurt. me, my kids, their coworkers.
i know the affair has picked up. the physical part of our relationship is 99.9% gone...one of the last times it happened- he practically broke down in tears- it was as though he felt guilty he had cheated on SOMEONE ELSE! this was before i found out about the investigation at work. he's taking diet pills, he's lost weight- all the red flags are there staring me in the damn face.
the only good thing i have going is that when i had the baby and found the texts- i enrolled in school. was never the plan to go right to school with a newborn, but i did. thank God. I am halfway done my associates degree, and made the honor society. with a tremendous amount of stress- but that has been my motivator. in fact, every time the situation eats me up, i cope by studying or reading for school. it's been good therapy- i highly suggest it if you can do it, and feel the need to get your mind off this hell we are in. It really helps.
Anyway, irony or ironies- or not- my my husband wants to file for divorce...rewriting the past...saying he's been trying to end it for years...(our baby was planned, so I guess he wasn't really planning this too long)..he wants to do an online divorce- he will be friendly with me if i do it the way he wants. he doesnt even want to do a court appearance- he wants to file online. i saw this on a to-do list he had for last weekend. Right under- "fix hole in the wall", i saw "fill out family situation paperwork" he cant even write DIVORCE. he still wears his wedding ring to work and to his parents house. not at home.
sorry this is so long...i have seen a lawyer, and i told them i would be back friday to fill out the paperwork. in the end i cant say i want this. but he's been really nasty and kind of abusive towards me since i found out about the girl at work. and everything he says is wrong- when i try to fix it- say i clean more, cook more, whatever he wants- he will then say something like- "when your parents got sick you turned your back on me to help them. you threw everything away. (my parents both passed within the past 6 yrs- they were only in their 50's) he will say anything to justify what he has done.
i feel sooo thrown away. here is the irony - they cant even really be together. all they do is sneak around. the girl he is with is from pakistan- supposedly very religous muslim - this should be so against what she beleives in- messing around with a married catholic man with 4 kids...ive talked to her once when i found the phone bills and she swore she "would never do that." i have found emails from her to my husband asking to find her a divorce lawyer, look at apartments for her online and give her an opinion, help her brother find a job...you get the point. she is so needy and dependent on him. and he LOVES this.
his main complaint about me now- is i am "not obedient." and that is one of the things i know he loves about her- "she does what i say, therefore she never messes up, unlike everyone else on my team."
this is now my life. i have lost my husband. he will not leave his job. and she will not leave- she is set! the two of them will continue this, clearly, for years. there is nothing i can do about it but move on.
its just that everything hurts right now so bad. this life was everything i knew..and i am about to be a single mom of four...with almost no family around. ouch.
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